


With a Step Forward, I'm Closer to Reaching You - Makoto

by Chezmeralda



Series: With a Step Forward, I'm Closer to Reaching You - Companion Pieces [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Reflection, Self-Reflection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 21:09:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2323271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chezmeralda/pseuds/Chezmeralda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto's side to my MakoHaru fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With a Step Forward, I'm Closer to Reaching You - Makoto

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess I can't take my own damn advice and I ended up writing anyway. Take the laptop from me (don't actually do that I'll die without it).

Makoto stared at Haru, whose expression was blank and unmoved, as the words left his mouth. "I'm going to a university in Tokyo," he said.

"Oh," Makoto heard. Was that it? He looked at Haru, who wore an unreadable expression, not quite looking up at him. Makoto wasn't sure how to feel about Haru's lack of reaction. Did Makoto want him to say 'I'm so excited for you! You're starting your new life!'? Did Makoto want Haru to break down and beg him not to leave? Even if he did that, Makoto would have to leave anyway, he had already accepted his admission, and had packed his things to move them when his dorm room was ready.

"Haru?" he looked down at him when Haru hadn't answered him. He couldn't see his face, and leaned closer to get a better look, but Haru just moved away.

"I'm happy for you," he said. Makoto blinked before letting his features melt into a smile.

"Thank you, Haru," Makoto said. He was truly thankful, after all. He had been worried that Haru would react negatively. That Haru would hate him for leaving him behind. That Haru would hate him for not telling him sooner.

Makoto noticed Haru looking away from him nervously and he tilted his head at him, curious. "Is there something else, Haru?"

"I..." the words died in his throat, and Makoto waited for him to continue, knowing that words were never something Haru was good at. "Rin... asked me out."

Makoto felt his stomach plummet. "Oh," he said, more surprised than anything. "I..." he began, trying to hide his pain. "That's great, Haru, I'm happy for you."

"Makoto?" Haru took a step towards him and Makoto immediately began to feel deep seated panic. He didn't want Haru to know. He didn't want Haru to find out, not like this.

"I... always suspected... that you two would be together, in the end," he managed to say before Haru suspected anything. "I'm really glad you're together now. I know he'll make you happy, Haru," Makoto said. Makoto knew as well as anyone that Rin would make Haru happy, he couldn't deny that if he tried.

Makoto watched Haru's face, noticing a clench in his jaw. "You... always thought we'd be together?" he said, and Makoto nodded at him, smiling. "You have... nothing else to say?"

 _What else is there to say, Haru?_ Makoto thought. _I'm already not allowed to say anymore._ "No..." Makoto began instead, rather than saying the words that were in his head. "I'm just... glad you won't be alone, when I leave." There was a momentary pause between them, air charged with both of them wanting to say more, when Makoto's phone vibrated in his pocket. He took it out, and noted the caller i.d. was his mom. "Sorry, Haru. It's my mom, give me a sec."

Makoto turned away from Haru and answered the phone. "Hello? Mom?"

"Ah, Makoto, honey. There you are. Come home sweetie, and check your things, you have to get them ready for tomorrow," he heard her say over the phone in her gentle voice.

"Ah, why, is something wrong?" he asked, feeling a little confused at her mildly hurried words.

"Nothing's wrong, dear. The university called. You're dorm is ready, so I thought it would be a good idea for you to move your stuff tomorrow," she said and Makoto almost wished she would stop with where her words were going, "that way you can settle in next week and get used to the place."

Makoto felt his heart drop, and he swallowed. "Oh, already?"

"Yes, dear, it's rather quick," she said, sounding a little breathless as she urged the twins into bed. "But I'd feel a bit better if you left as soon as you could so you could get used to the place."

As much as Makoto appreciated his mother's forethought, he wished she didn't have it at this moment. Not now. Not like this. "I suppose we can move my stuff tomorrow," he replied to her.

"Oh, good," she sounded relieved as she continued to help the twins. "Now, Makoto, is all your stuff packed and ready to go?"

"Yeah, I have it organized in my room, we can pack the car in the morning," he said almost automatically, like the words weren't really coming from him.

"Lovely! You're such a responsible boy, Makoto. I'll see you when you get home," she said.

"Okay, thanks Mom. Bye," he said before hanging up his phone.

He was mindlessly staring at the screen before he felt Haru's gaze on him. He turned to Haru and smiled. "The university called my mom. Apparently my dorm is already set up, and I can move my stuff in. I'm... going to bring most of my stuff tomorrow," he said.

"But... that's... so soon," he heard Haru say quietly.

Makoto laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head. "Yeah... it caught my mom off guard, too. But she said that it would be good to move my stuff soon so that I can get used to the place, so we'll be bringing my stuff in the morning," he explained. 

"You're leaving already?" Haru sounded nervous with the question.

Makoto turned to look at him, not sure how he should act. Not sure how his expression should be. "No, no. I'm just moving my stuff. I... I'll be leaving next week," he said quietly, almost unable to hear himself. "I know... it's really sudden. I thought we'd have more time to hang out and stuff. I didn't think that my dorm would be ready so soon. I... I'm sorry, Haru. I really thought I'd have at least a month before this happened."

"No, it's not your fault, Makoto," Haru said, but for some reason, Makoto couldn't find it in himself to believe those words. They lapsed into silence, each passing second caused the atmosphere between them to grow heavy."It's getting late," and Makoto let Haru walk passed him. 

Makoto couldn't bring himself to stand next to Haru on their way home. How could he? He didn't have a right to stand next to him anymore. Not when all this was happening. Not when their tiny, tiny world was crumbling around them with each quiet moment. Not when the reason for their world crumbling was because of him, was because it was his fault.

They were getting closer to their homes, and Makoto found it in himself to speak up. "Haru," he began. "Did you want to help me move my stuff to my new-"

"No, I don't," Haru's words cut through Makoto like knives, sharp and leaving long running wounds through his chest. His sentence died on his tongue as Haru continued. "I... Rin and I are going out tomorrow. So we don't have time to help you move."

Makoto blinked almost owlishly up at Haru's turned back, tongue feeling dry. "... Right. It's okay. We still have a week," he began to say, feeling his voice on the verge of cracking. Not now. Not like this. "We can hang out with everyone some other time."

"Good night, Haru. Have fun tomorrow," Makoto called gently to Haru as he began to climb the steps. He saw his shoulders twitch slightly, saw him pause in his climb for a small moment, and Makoto hoped he would turn around to answer him, but he didn't. Makoto watched Haru run into his house before he shut the door. Makoto turned and went inside.

"Welcome home, son," his father greeted him from the living room.

"Go upstairs and get some rest," his mother said gently to him. "You've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow."

"Okay, night, Mom. Night, Dad," Makoto kept his voice carefully neutral, kept his pace as normal as possible, shut the door as normally as possible, before leaning up against it and sinking to the floor, head in his hands.

He hadn't expected Rin to confess so soon. Makoto sighed as he rubbed his temples, trying to fight off the impending headache. He had wanted Rin to wait a little longer.

Wait a little longer? Makoto could almost feel the scoff forming in his throat as he looked around the room, surrounded by boxes. It didn't feel like his room, with all the boxes. Who was Makoto even kidding? He had been the one to encourage Rin when he admitted that he liked Haru. He had been the one to tell Rin that Haru probably liked him back, supporting it with evidence of how they interacted together, how Haru treated Rin differently from any of his other friends.

How Haru treated Rin differently from Makoto.

Makoto hated himself for encouraging Rin. He hated himself for relishing in the smile on Rin's face as he planned on confessing. Because Makoto knew why he had actually encouraged him, and it was all for selfish reasons.

Makoto wished that Rin just waited until after he'd left, so he was as far away from them as possible, so that he could avoid looking at them being happy together.

Being happy together without him.

One thing that Makoto prided himself in was being able to hide his emotions from his friends, and from his family. He wished he didn't have to do it now. He wished he could just scream and yell and hit things in his room. Cry at the top of his lungs at how stupid he was, at how selfish he was.

He let his tears fall silently to the floor, back still pressed against the door, head still in his hands.

\---

It was early in the morning and Makoto was staring at his nearly barren room one last time, relishing in memories that he wished he didn't have to think about just before he packed in for a long drive to Tokyo.

He didn't want to remember all the times Haru stayed with him here to play with him and with the twins. He didn't want to remember growing up with Haru together in this room, doing homework together with Haru in this room, sharing secrets, dreams, and fears with Haru in this room.

Makoto left and closed the door, dawn not even breaking yet. He noticed Rin jogging towards him, probably out on his morning run.

Makoto called himself a coward. He didn't want to see Rin. Not now. Not like this.

"Yo, Makoto!" he heard Rin yell out to him.

"Sorry, Rin, I'm in a hurry!" he yelled back, hating himself. "I'll talk to you later. Have fun today!" Makoto ran to the car and sat down, buckling himself in, watching Rin stare at the car through the rear view mirror.

"Ready to go?" his father said, rousing him from his thoughts.

"Yeah, let's go," he said quietly. His father started the long drive.

"You excited to see your dorm room, son?" his father asked.

"Yeah, I am," Makoto tried to sound excited but failing.

"Is something the matter, Makoto?" his father asked him.

"Just a little tired, that's all."

"Ah, too excited to get to sleep last night, huh?" his dad chuckled. "That's all right, you can sleep in the car." 

Makoto smiled at his father before looking out the window, letting his eyes drift closed at the quickly passing scenery. If he watched the change in environment, it reminded him of how much further away he was going to be from Haru. How much further away he would be from being able to walk next to him, to have lunch with him, to talk to him.

Makoto fell asleep to the thought of how he would be replaced, how Haru would find a better happiness with Rin.

\---

It was rather late when he and his father got home, and Makoto was standing outside, looking at the ocean, thinking about how everything was different, when he heard someone call his name.

"Yo, Makoto!" he heard Rin yell, and Makoto forced himself to turn. When he saw both him and Haru, he felt relief, and the smile that spread on his face was genuine.

"Did you just get back from your date?" he asked, curious, despite himself. He watched Rin pull Haru closer, and he felt a twinge in his heart.

"Yeah. It was easy going for a first. How was moving all your stuff?" Rin asked.

Makoto could feel all the exasperation from the day culminate in him, and he let out a laugh before groaning at himself. "A little more work than my dad and I expected, so we only just got back," feeling tired, looking back at the house where his dad had gone in moments before, saying that he needed rest. He glanced down and noticed their entwined fingers, how gently they held each other, and Makoto allowed himself to smile, feeling bittersweet about it. "I'm really glad you guys are together."

"Shit, Makoto, we've only just started going out," Rin said, clearly sounding embarrassing at Makoto's comment, and his smile changed to a genuine one for Rin.

"I know, but you guys always seemed to have such a strong bond. Take care of him for me, okay, Rin?" he asked, knowing that Rin would, and that he wouldn't be needed there anymore.

"Jesus, Makoto, you sound like his mother," Rin joked, laughing at him. Makoto shrugged, not sure how to feel about being called Haru's mother, not when he felt the furthest from that role. He allowed himself to look at Haru, noting the blank expression on his face. He smiled at him, almost relieved that Haru hadn't changed.

"Well, it's getting late. We should plan something next week. Good night, you guys," Makoto said, waving at them as he mounted the steps to his home. He turned to wave a final good bye at the two of them, and closed the door behind him.

Once inside, he went into his room, shut the door, and sat on his bed, head against the wall. His eyes scanned around him, noting how empty it was, void of warmth, lacking the sense of having been lived in. He found it funny, in a way, that it reflected how he felt at that very moment. 

Haru hadn't said anything to him. Haru hadn't asked how the trip was there, or how it was back.

Makoto sighed, feeling self loathing coming back to hit him full force. He felt like an idiot. He was the one who encouraged them, and yet now here he was wishing that they wouldn't work out, that something would go wrong. He stopped those thoughts almost immediately, feeling the self loathing returned, and he called himself selfish, stupid, and a moron for thinking this way for his friends.

He encouraged this, after all. It may have been for selfish reasons on his part, but he had encouraged their relationship.

He had got what he wanted now. There was no taking any of it back.

**Author's Note:**

> I was at war with myself for putting up the companion series for my fic. It'll allow you to see exactly what the other characters are thinking, but now some of your questions will be answered. I want you to only be as knowledgeable as Haru is in this situation, but at the same time, do I torture you like how a drama does by showing you all the sides of the story, knowing full well you'll yell at the screen for the characters to just "USE YOUR WORDS AND TALK TO EACH OTHER OH MY GOD".
> 
> Either way, these companion pieces are as much for me as they are for you. It'll be good for me to understand how I've portrayed the characters better.


End file.
